Laura Valentine's Obituary
Laura Valentine, 77, of Charlotte, NC, died after mainlining coke and Four Loko in preparation for a street fight. Born in New Jersey, she moved to Pittsburgh, PA after her marriage to Lee Valentine and reared seven children there.
She was a time traveler, the first woman on Mars, and is thought to have played a role in the disappearance of Amelia Earhart (whom she viewed as a rival). She is also credited with the early retirement of tennis great John McEnroe after berating him and breaking his confidence.
Laura enjoyed the occasional game of backgammon or Russian roulette. She loved babies and Ireland and Irish music but strangely not the Irish, whom she distrusted for reasons unknown. Her favorite book was David Coperfield (with one P), by Edmund Wells.
In her last years, she could be found feeding birds in her back yard or accidentally drugging her grandchildren.
She was preceded in death by her parents, Stephen and Ethel, and her sister Patricia. She is survived by five siblings, twenty-one grandchildren (with another on the way), many friends, and her seven children & their spouses.
In accordance with her wishes, no funeral will be held, and she will be interred in an undisclosed location, like Jimmy Hoffa.
In lieu of flowers, please consider donating to St. Jude Children's Hospital (https://www.stjude.org), Little Warrior Foundation (https://www.littlewarrior.org), Montgomery Hospice (https://montgomeryhospice.org), or C.C. Mellor Memorial Library (https://ccmellorlibrary.org) in her memory.
Online condolences may be made at https://www.jamesfuneralhomelkn.com.
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